Another factor that is important to note is that I dealt with severe postpartum depression in the first year of my daughter’s life. Again, this was in no way caused by her, nor does it lessen my love for her in any way. (In fact, I see so much growth and sanctification that occurred as a result of that experience.) But the thought of going through a traumatic labor and postpartum depression again was scary to me. Throughout my pregnancy with our son, I had to come to Jesus again and again in surrender. In trust. In faith that, come what may, He would carry me. That He would be faithful to me.

There were a handful of songs that spurred me on during these bouts of worry and anxiety. I will list them here in case you might find them encouraging:

• Gentle Savior by David Phelps

• Abide by Christy Nockels

• Goodness of God by The Clark Family

• He Will Hold Me Fast by Keith and Kristyn Getty & Selah

• Missing Peace by JJ Heller

• He Won’t Leave You There by Jason Crabb

• I Owe You Everything by The Collingsworth
Family

• Good Good News by The Gaither Vocal
Band

I remember many nights after our daughter was in bed, listening to these songs in the shower and praying over my labor. Praying over my postpartum experience. Praying over my precious baby son. I would feel such trepidation over my impending labor, fearing that it would be a repeat of my first. And I was also scared that postpartum depression would rear its ugly head once again and the whole first year of his life would be another battle for me to overcome because of how difficult the hormone shift following pregnancy was for me.

It was in these moments that I felt more than ever before the sense of entering into Christ’s sufferings. While I can never fathom what He experienced throughout his scourging and crucifixion, it seemed that in allowing my body to be home to another living being for forty weeks straight, followed by the intense, painful feeling of being torn apart (the best way I can describe active labor and transition), and then the experiencing mental health struggles for a year following… was some small taste of what He went through. These thoughts are further cemented by how often Scripture compares women in labor to that of spiritual waiting, suffering, and longing for relief, as well as the fact that forty is the number of testing in the Bible (forty days and forty nights of rain during the Flood, forty years of wandering in the wilderness for the Israelites, forty days of fasting and prayer in the wilderness for Jesus after His baptism and before His ministry began). I don’t believe either of these things is accidental. The Lord has invited women into His suffering, because suffering produces Christlike character and because if we suffer with Him, we will also be raised with Him (Romans 5:3-5, Romans 8:17, 2 Cor. 1:5-7). Suffering is a part of the Christian life, but we have the best companion through it.

Even still, I had to continually come to a place of trust and surrender. No matter what, labor was coming. There was no escaping that. It was the cup I was given to drink and I knew that doing so WAS the Lord’s will. And so, I trusted. I did everything in my power to create the most positive, healing, healthy labor and postpartum experience possible, and when I had done what was within my power to do, I simply had to release control to the One who did. Was that easy? No, it wasn’t. But it was necessary. And it was worth it.

Before I get into the actual birth story, which I’ll share in Part 3 (the final installment of this series), I’m going to fast forward to after his birth. He is 8.5 months old now, and I’ll tell you: my postpartum experience, while markedly different from my first in several ways, has still not been a cake walk. To be blunt, postpartum is not kind to me. I don’t know why. I did so many things as vigilantly as I could health-wise: vitamins, supplements, tinctures, getting as much sleep as possible while having a newborn, resting, skin to skin with my baby, holding my baby, praying, medication, counseling, a fantastic support system in friends and family, asking for help where needed with various tasks and responsibilities, trying to eat healthy, whole, nourishing foods, and so on. But my body and brain just do not handle that massive hormonal shift from being pregnant to not pregnant well. It’s the hard part for me. My theory is that every mother has a “hard part.” For some, it’s getting pregnant. For others, it’s staying pregnant, being pregnant, labor, nursing, potty training, the teenage years… every mom has a hard part. Mine is postpartum. So hard… so much hard. So while the beautiful, redemptive part of this story hasn’t been shared yet, I have to say that it HAS been a kind of suffering to experience this postpartum mental health struggle yet again, though it looks different this time than the last.

Honestly, though, it’s okay. I’m okay. I’m making it through. The worst is behind me. I’m seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. And once again, it’s all worth it. My children — the gift, miracle, and wonder of who they are — are more than worth the price I’ve paid to bring them into this world. They are my delight and my future. They are my greatest accomplishment in this life.

But I do want you to know that, just because you do all the things right, sometimes things don’t go the way you wanted. Sometimes life is just hard, and it’s nobody’s fault. It stinks. It hurts. But it’s just another way we are pressed further into Jesus, His likeness, His image, His death, His resurrection. It is incomprehensibly satisfying to me to know that no hurt I’ve faced has ever or will ever be wasted. That every bit of pain and brokenness I have ever felt has been redeemed, used, and turned into good. And so, while I will never sit here and tell you that postpartum depression and anxiety are fun, or that I enjoyed going through it, I will tell you that it’s worth it. And that there is so much sanctification and pruning that happens through it. And that you’ll make it through. Get help — I’ll always encourage that. But I hope it helps in some small way to know that, I’ve been through this twice now, and I’m still here. Still loving my babies, with a thriving marriage, healthy familial relationship, attending church regularly, keeping our home to the utmost of my abilities, learning and growing and finding bits of joy amidst the darker parts of my brain.

Postpartum depression is awful. But it’s not the end. It’s one dark chapter in a beautiful storybook. There is hope. Even when you cannot feel it.

Hang in there, Mama. You’ve got this because He has YOU.

One last quick note: I have created a resource specially for mamas who are walking through postpartum depression and anxiety. A set of 20 printable Scripture verse cards that I designed myself to encourage you through your journey. You can find them available for purchase here.